March 25, 2014

Gratefully Broken

It has been a long time since the last time I got my heart broken. This time, I feel grateful. I have what I’ve been looking for since years ago. I’ve been in love with the same girl and never once I feel left out, never once I feel ditched.

As a cycle of life, I found broken heart as a perfection. Paradoxical perfection, of course. It keeps my feeling in good harmony. Meaning,  my heart still function well enough. It gives blessing, it learn to let go, to accept, to be happy for.

Risk is part of being human, part of being the stakeholder. I decided to watch people dance and step out of my own dance. Sit by with other who only watch. Some of them who don’t want the dance feel fulfilled with what ever they’re doing on their seat. Me on the other hand, just want to sit because I’m tired of dancing to long. Waiting to have my energy back to get on the dance stage and dance my last dance with my last partner.

As I rest, my partner will also rest. We both looking for the next partner, with different approach, different dancing style. If both of us didn’t find anyone, we’ll of course dance together again.

I had fun. Joining my friends that were also sitting and watching people. Hoping to get back on the dance stage soon. Me? I’m just hanging out with people with small chance to get back on the dance stage soon enough.

One of them, my favorite friend, has just left me for the dance stage when I go to the bathroom. That friend is not there when I take my seat and that friend, my friend, is just smile and wave. As a friend, I nod along and smile.

Sitting on the side, figuring out what to do. Looking for someone to mend, looking for someone to fill the seat that friend left. Because I’m still not ready to go back to the dance stage. To much to do in this seat.
Uncomfortable, yes. Anxious, of course. Feeling alone, sometimes. But, when it’s time to go dancing, I won’t resist. I’ll do the dance.

March 12, 2014

Math to Friendship

                People are forced to be willing and wanting to have a companion. We are born because of a social situation, therefore we are a social being ourselves and it’s all because every human is derivative. Culture is derivative, language is derivative, and pattern is just a pattern. We evolve, but there’s nothing new under the sun as the Bible says. It’s derivative.

                Too often, people do the math for their social life. As how math stands to be science, a problem solving tool, social life tends to be harder. Why would you solve something with math when you have nothing to solve?

                For math teachers, it’s not good enough to just know the answer without showing them how you get the answer. With friends, human friends, they don’t need us to tell them how we know. They’ll be grateful enough, knowing that we knew all along. Especially when they expect us to not know.

                Although, there goes the “made up” problem. Most people (like 75% of them) are either not ready to tell their friend that they know the answer to some kind of spesific situation, because they thought it would be akward somehow OR with their knowledge, they toy with your problem. Both are insanely stupid. But then, we are human. We’re born this way, flawed.

                Then the math come along. Calculating how mad will that person be if that person know they know the answer all along. Of course the math predict (blurry with subjectivity and false hope) that since that person is their friend, that person will be furious, but forgive them.

                A simple friendship has just been calculated by a fuzzy math and self-righteous (includes ego, hormone, and individual needs). This is what community is doing. By their own mind, calculating right or wrong in a relationship without really caring what the other friend is bearing.

                Saying “be a friend” is nonsense, because then the sympathy will be fake. It will come out of guilt or some other non-sincere feeling.

                It’s never be just a friendship in this world. Something could go very wrong in the middle of funny jokes and repressed feeling. Math never can show you how. Being social is not the problem to solve. Being human is also not the problem to solve. Derivative is the problem.

                If for once, human stop evolving, stop adapting, stop following patterns. If only it wasn’t our genetic disorder. Even “being creative” is a pattern.

March 8, 2014

After A Dozen of Romance Movies

                We never know when we lost until we knock to our heart and ask where. Stupidest thing any being would ever think is to find something in a place they don’t belong. You know where you belong when you do knock it and ask again.

                Sickness is not ever a reason for a delay. Moving forward and saying the only thing you want is hard, but that’s important. If we ever shiver, if our heart beats faster than it should, maybe it’s the way our body procces when it comes to the important part.

                It’s always classic, nothing modern about falling in love. The fact that earth’s creative industry never found a new problem to expose to the eyes of a moviegooers, means that it’s true. Law of love can’t be renewed. It will be fake, then.

                As far as we walk in the wrong path, the end will be always true. Yes, it hurts a lot. Of course, your head spins. And it’s totally okay to assume both will happen, it always happen. Even when we reach the end, boredom will hit us. Amazement fade away.

                Being scared is foolish. Blaming others isn’t right. We walk wrongly doesn’t mean we’re not ready. Life span is short when all we think is the result when we reach the end.

               Be decent, be stupid, be outrageous, be naked, be a dork, be anything you thought you needed to be. Also get laid, get drunk, get an award, catch the adventure. It’ll wax off your problem. Yes, of course, painfully. Since you know it’ll be clean afterwards, why not?

                Interaction with other human being is overrated and expensive, too mainstream. Something no normals can avoid. No one can blame us, it’s human nature. We created with flaw as our father and his father before him. Love do kills, don’t pretend like you don’t know that.

                Have we, the entire human race, lost in the sea of others? Knock again and ask where, because we might be stupid enough and don’t realize that we’re already there.